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The Feeling

August 31st, 2009

15 Steps, by Radiohead was blaring from the speakers when he quickly turned it down.

“It’s happening again…”

“What is?”

“The feeling…”

“The feeling.  What do you mean, the ‘feeling’.”

“That feeling I get when we’re here.  Remember, I told you about it…”

“Oh, the ‘feeling’.  Can you tell me more about it?”

“I don’t know.  It’s a feeling.”

“What kind of feeling.  Big, small, confining, loud, quiet, silly.”

“Well, some of those things.  It’s hard to explain.”

“Give it a try.  I’d like to know more about it.”

“I don’t know.  I just feel strange.”

“Strange is good.  Try and expand on the feeling.”

“I feel all confined…boxed in.  My hands are clammy…”

“Hrmmm…sounds like your standard anxiety attack.  What do you think triggered it?”

“The hell if I know.  I always get it when we’re here.”

“Interesting.  What do you think it is about here that triggers it?”

“I wish I knew.  I just want to be rid of this damn thing.”

“So why not stop it.  Stop the damn feeling and just be rid of it.”

“I don’t know how.  I wish I knew how to.”

“Are you sure about that.  You gave yourself the feeling.”

“No I didn’t.  It’s this place…it gives me the feeling.”

“How can a place give you a feeling.  Aren’t you the one looking at things, deciding what does not and does matter?”

“I…I guess.  But it’s complicated.  I just, I just want to be rid of it.”

“Complicated?  What’s complicated?  Holding on to an irrational thought that consumes you?  That doesn’t seem complicated to me…it seems a little koo-koo if you ask me.”

“I know, I know…I get all of that.  Fuck.  It’s getting worse.”

“Do we need to stop?  I can take over.  Let me know if we need to stop.”

“I’m not sure…what should we do?”

“Hell if I know.  You’re the one with the crazy feeling.  What do you think we should do?”

“I think I should stop.”

“Ok…let’s stop.”

He pulls the car over and leans his head on the steering wheel.

“What the fuck…I am so sick of this…why the hell is this happening?”

“Does that really matter?”

“What?”

“Why it’s happening?  Do you have to have a reason for everything?”

“I don’t understand…shouldn’t I want to know what’s causing it so I can face it and be rid of it?”

“Hrmmm…how often does that work?  Knowing the why?  Why don’t you just change what you’re doing.”

“That’s easier said than done.”

“Really?  So let me ask you this.  What makes more sense, trying to understand the why of why this thing has a hold on you, or allowing it to just take over your senses whenever it wants to?  It seems like you didn’t need to satisfy the ‘why’ by allowing it to become a debilitating behavior of yours.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Exactly.  There you sit wanting to know why, why, why…when you never asked why you shouldn’t have this feeling.  So I say just let it go…forget about it.  Stop feeling this way.”

“But how?”

“How what?”

“How do I stop feeling this way?”

“I don’t know…how did you start feeling this way?”

“What way?”

“The way you are feeling.”

“I don’t know…I don’t know how I started feeling this way…”

“Good, now we’re getting some where.  So how about we feel some way we want to feel.”

He turned off the car and sat back in his seat.

“Go on…”

“Let’s just start feeling another way.  This is an amazing car, so let’s think about that feeling when you first drove it.  How did that feel?”

“It was amazing.  I fell in love with how it handled and how it gripped the road.”

“Great…great…there’s a reason it’s one of the top 5 cars 3 years running.  So tell me more about that feeling you had.”

“I felt so connected to the car…I felt like we were one…I imagined that I was like a malleable fluid racing down the road, zipping in and out of traffic…I wasn’t excited or anything, everything just seemed to flow.”

“That’s wonderful.  Close your eyes for a bit and really visualize that feeling.  Imagine that you’re back there and that it’s here and now.”

He closed his eyes and imagined the scene and a wave of euphoria came over him.  He smiled slightly and laughed.

“Wow…I love this feeling.”

“As you should.  It’s your feeling.  A feeling you own. So you should just decide which feeling you prefer.  The one you want to know why you have or the one you know everything about.  In my professional opinion…I’d go with the one I know.”

He laughed aloud and started the car.

“Thanks for waking me up…I really needed…”

“Shut the hell up and drive,” he said with a wink and turned the volume back up on the iPod.

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Awaken

July 29th, 2009

I sense this moment as eternal bliss
As if a dancer perched upon a precipice of rapture,
A single step toward purpose of will,
A glance toward beauty arising, unfolding within the blessed garden.
Oh how the wings of all these creatures flutter to ignite the flame within
With me holding the fire to share with the world.

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